What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 07:07
Im still living with it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
What have I done wrong? How can I start over?
She loved him until the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why do companies cull employees during financial downturns without saying so?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
How does it feel to be in a marriage without any love?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Do liberals realise that God, who is much more powerful than them, is on the side of Trump?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
What are some ten strong legal evidences that are needed for a divorce?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I think the readers, may guess!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
How is cultural invasion being carried out by Bollywood?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
How do I overcome attachment issues?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i lived it daily.
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I couldn’t, believe it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We all went to grammer schools
Put me off passion for life!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He knew the spot.
I was very sick at this time too.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Who then, do I blame.?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I could never make a relationship work though!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What did i know ?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Would this be the day?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I never cut or harmed myself..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Ive learnt so much.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
All the time i was locked up.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was seconnd youngest,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So, i spoilt her more .
She found it foreign!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My family never makes their pension either.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My life is so biszare .
She was in good health!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One cannot live in the past .
It was going to be , some day.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is soul school!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But ive been too sick for many years..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was 9 years of age.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I don,t even have a pension.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why did i forgive my father ?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She married twice! .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were not on the streets..
So whats the point in blame.
I have no regrets .
I said to her
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
When she asked me how she looked .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Comes on , in middle age.
She wouldn,t have been !
I write beautiful poetry .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I will be 64.